Life.Love.Happiness.

                 What is stupidity. Is it the act of making one’s self look like a complete moron. Is it believing in false hopes or understanding, Is it completely misinterpreting something and getting angry over it. Or is stupidity something we all just made up to put others down. Everyone is stupid, better yet everyone is fucking retarded but that’s what makes us human and individually unique. Everyone wants to judge everyone because everyone thinks THEY know the right answer to a situation. Fuck you. No one knows the correct answer to anything life is all about not knowing and just living. Who gives a fuck if you think you know whats right because in the end no one is going to give a shit anyways. The only opinion and thought that matters is yours and yours alone. You yourself have already lived a unique life up to this point so there for you hold the only answers and the correct answers but only about your LIFE.

                 Another thing is we all need to stop worrying about stupid shit. Here’s some hard truth for you about life, you’re going to die alone. Yes I said it, and what are you going to do deny it? You already know its true, because in death you are alone, why? Because that is the end of YOUR life. Everyone is so fucking concerned about everyone elses life that they completely forget about their own lives and living. That’s just retarded, why would anyone want to pass something like that up? I know I’m not, I’m living my life and trying to help others realize that they have a life also. Live free, live vigorously, live on the edge for christ sake! Just live though. Stop trying to change everyone to having your life or trying to understand your life because no one will, no one has experienced it as you have. We are all our own people, and we are all one. There will never be anyone else like you, or but you. We are not alone, but we are on our own, and it’s time for you to realize that.

- Shadow

                I’m dying. But we all are only thing is, im dying a little quicker than the rest of you. See when I was born I had this neurological disorder called epilepsy, which is like seizures for those of you who don’t know. I’ve already died from it once before when I was little but that’s the past and honestly who cares about it. Well loads of us do so touché on that. With my epileptic case, I was a complete mystery to the doctors. I had over 15 different kinds of it and was on numerous amount of medications just to find the right one that MIGHT cure it. Eventually we found it and it did cure it. But even though it was cured, I still had a very high chance that it would come back. For the longest time I was fine, and I actually started to feel like a normal kid again. I could go out and play and I could get into trouble like every normal kid out there. My parents were still worried about me but eventually I think they just suppressed the haunting memories of me. Life went on and it was good for the most part. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I hurt and badly for that matter, and I just lived.

                Up until a few months ago things seemed completely fine with me. Until. My epileptic events came back and this time almost worse than ever. I crashed my car, I got lost while on the freeway and can’t even remember how I got to where I was. In my sleep I remember thrashing around and vibrating and having my dreams get all messed up and not even remember what it was I was dreaming about. My mind would try to piece things together just to keep me from freaking out and accepting the realization of what really happened. I feel myself slipping away faster and faster every day but the saddest part is, I want it to come sooner. Why I’m so anxious to die I have no clue. Maybe it’s because I’ll finally be in a place where I’m always happy, fully relaxed, and just at utter peace. Or maybe it’s just because for once I’ll be happy to be alone. We’re all going to die alone, but live alone in the afterlife? Who knows? The only thing that I know, is that I can’t wait for the day to come to where my eyes won’t ever open up again. The reason why I feel this way and want this to happen, is because people never know what they have until it’s gone. I am always taken for granted, used, and trampled all over all the time. Quite frankly I’m tired of it, but it doesn’t even matter if I try to speak up for myself, no one ever listens any ways. No one cares about who exists in this world the only thing people care about is themselves. It’s sad when you think about it cause you know it’s true.

                The only thing I’ve ever wanted was just for someone to genuinely care. To care about me, care about others, and care about themselves but others came first before them. But finding that in someone is rare and usually unusual. The process of dying is slow and usually painful if you really think about it. But at the point to when death comes to take you away there is no more pain its only sleep and peace. Why were all so afraid to sleep beats me I would think people would want that. Who wouldn’t want to go into a deep relaxing sleep for a while, cause that’s all death really is, just a deep sleep. I want to sleep, I’m so very tired of being awake and I just want everything to start over. Move onto tomorrow and leave yesterday behind to dissolve in the past along with everything else. I don’t know how much longer I can’t last, the world calls out my name to play when all I want to do is sleep. Maybe tomorrow is coming sooner than I think. But tomorrow will never come because it will always be today. That’s how you know were in hell. Told you were all going to hell. But for now it’s time to rest, and I pray that when I wake up, tomorrow has come and all of you are gone, finding each other once again and starting from the beginning. A true fresh start.

Why is the rain so beautiful? Is it because the sound of things being washed away or is it because we can physically see when something slams to the floor and is still able to get back up on its feet again to do it again repeatedly. Why is something so simple to understand so beautiful yet it is still so complex to understand why it makes us feel the way we do. Why does the sound of it enhance emotions, why does it let us see the things that we are too blinded to see, why? What is it about water that brings us so much peace? Nature is beautiful because of its simplicity and subjection to drama and difference. When things are natural there will always be beauty, whether that be in a friendship, a relationship, or just in life. We close our eyes from everything and let our ears guide us. But how can you even speak when you’ve never seen. Eyes stitched shut, ears on blast, mouths still running when you’re stuck on mute. It’s ever so clear as to what needs to be done because the rain never comes inside. Feel the fire burn your skin with its sticky coldness. Tropical fills the air, your blood tastes of sugar and sweetness. You stand in an empty room with millions amongst you feeling nothing but the air around you. Only until I open your eyes and you see the truth and how things are supposed to be you will live in darkness and lies. Beauty comes without question as you are erased from your mind. Mirrors reflect that what is around you never revealing that one question that has always been on your mind. Who am i.

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,
I’ll tell you a tale I know nothing about;
The Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight;
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A blind man came to watch fair play,
A mute man came to shout “Horray!”
A deaf policeman heard the noise and
Came to stop those two dead boys.

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,
In a two-story house on a vacant lot;
A man with no legs came walking by,
and kicked the lawman in his thigh.

He crashed through a wall without making a sound,
into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned;
The long black hearse came to cart him away,
But he ran for his life and is still gone today.

I watched from the corner of the big round table,
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable;
But if you doubt my lies are true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.

by far one of my most favourite poems

               They say time heals all and that over time thing change. People change, but talk is cheap and lets not forget…there’s always a catch. For me? I don’t know what i did wrong, maybe i wasn’t wrong at all, maybe i’ve been right this whole time but the truth scares everyone. Truth is though, I don’t know what the truth is anymore or what to trust for that matter. Every time I put my trust into something it ends up either hurting me or misleads me. Loving someone so deeply and having to let them go and fall to the ground hurts and i thought i would never have to experience that and wished that i never would have to. Funny thing about reality though is that it always seems to throw a curve ball at you and strike you out. Being let down or blamed for something i didn’t do has become accustomed to me and the sad thing is, is that its starting to feel like home to me.

               Fuck love, fuck people, fuck living cause its starting to seem like it has no meaning any more but most of all, fuck YOU…fuck you for treating me how you always have. What did i ever do to you besides love you with everything that i have and want nothing more than just to be loved in return, please tell me what i did so wrong to you that gave you the right to treat me the way you did the way all of you do. Because of you i’ve become a monster in my eyes, i am a heartless monster now because everyone took advantage of the fact that i was a “nice guy”. I hate myself now…I should have never had to turn into such a person for all the love that i have for people and want to share with them so that they can be happy just cause. Any time that you needed me i was there by your side to hold your hand, give you comfort, let you have a shoulder to cry on. You took advantage of that, telling me that your just upset with the world and going through a hard time. You have no idea what hard is until you’ve taken a step into my life. Being teased all the time, always doubted, no one ever listening to you when you are right. You wouldn’t last one day in my life. You wouldn’t be able to handle the things that i see, hear, and feel everyday in and out. Suicide would no longer be an option it would be the only way. No positive only negative. You would never last…

             How i’ve managed to last all these years still is a mystery to me. Life is pointless and meaningless. Everyone deserves to die and finally be happy. But hell maybe we already are dead, maybe this is hell or even purgatory, but im damn well sure this aint heaven. All i’ve ever wanted was just to be loved by someone in the same way that i love them. But life is a fairytale and in this fairytale, there are no happily ever afters. It just continues until suddenly the page goes blank and ends. Now how can a man who brings nothing but peace and love to this world also have this much hate and depression in him? Yin and Yang. There always has to be an equal balance of everything otherwise there would be chaos. Too much good and no bad whatsoever; its a dream. All bad and evil with no love or positives for anyone; haunting nightmare. A place where good and evil are present; reality.

              Thats the only thing that sucks about life and the cycle of it for that matter, there always has to be a counter balancing force or event to keep everything at peace. Heaven and hell are truely fictional places because in either situation there would be complete chaos because it would constantly be out of balance. I loved you. But as much as i loved you and for how much i did, i also hated you for the equal amount which is what made history repeat itself with you and i. Everything happens for a reason, and for every reason there is a counter balance as to why. Life is made this way so that way not one person only holds the answers to how “life is simple”. Nothing is this life or force of nature that we live in is simple or ever will be simple, but we learn to adapt and go with the flow of everything to keep balance. To keep peace. To keep things the way that they are supposed to be. We are merely particles of matter all working together to prevent the inevitable doom.

            I want you all to remember these two things i am about to tell you. 1)Once I walk into your life i will never leave, for if you walk into my life you are bound to leave. and 2) No matter what, I will always love you.

Shadow 

Dear Where ever you are,

                It’s been a while since I’ve felt you and even longer since I’ve seen you. I’ve been good though; I’m seeing things in a brighter view and finally found myself. I’m sorry that I veered off of my trail from you and didn’t want to see you or accept you because lets be honest your beauty and love that you had for me scared me. I was trying to find you in all the wrong people and each time it hurt me more and more and I just wanted you back. I was blinded by my own mind and my own demons and they surrounded me until it was nothing but darkness. But one day something amazing happened to me, I started not fearing them anymore and that made them weaker. I was able to break through them and see my world again. I saw you again. I left the old me behind and dropped the world with it and standing there floating with me was you and my future. We stood and stared at each other for awhile in relief and happiness that we were on the same path to each other. Slowly but surely we started to walk back to each other taking our time, no rush anymore because nothing else stands in our way and ever will again. I’ve missed you like crazy and can’t wait for the day till I hold you in my arms once again. I promise you this, that when I hold you again, im never letting you go ever again. Forever in our arms we stay

Peace and Love,

Shadow

I follow in your footsteps through the day and into the night

I move away when I see the light

Darkness falls as I seem to consume it all

Gentle and quiet here I still stand with you through it all

Never are you alone even when you fall

As you push me back down I push you back up

Keep on trying but I’ll never give up

And in the night when you fear me the most

I still follow you like and ever loving ghost

We come apart from time to time

North and south we connect again like magnets

I am a clone of you without expressions

But her I stay attached to you loving and undetected

So who am i?…

                Riddle me this. I always know how to say the right things for others but when it comes to you, I can’t seem to find any words at all. I have and hold all the right answers but there must be a delay switch in my mind that turns on every time it recognizes you. I’ll say the right things but never at the right time and I know that it drives you away and im so sorry, I never ment for it to be like that, im so sorry I never ment to be who I am and was told to be. Its funny how much our mind as an influence over our heart. We say things that we feel in our heart but when it comes down to the actual situation our mind becomes FEARFUL while our hearts stay FEARLESS. We blow things off, push things away and for what? For what reason and why do we do this to ourselves? We do it because we fear of living, we fear having anything exist beyond our perfect little world that we try to tell ourselves that we live in when really that world only exists in the mind, a mere perception, NOT reality. What is it that we are so afraid of when we are given the power to create our own life, play it out how we want it to play out, but, none of which comes with ease. There is always a price for everything. How much are we willing to sacrifice for that life, how much are we willing to give up and let go and how much are we willing to accept.

                If you have the power to create your life then you can create a life without fear if you really wanted to. Only problem is, is that fear is what lets us know that we are still alive and living. But living without fear doesn’t mean that you have to be dead. No. All it means is that you accept things for the way that they are and take judgment of anything else out of the problem. You react on instinct rather than thought, you mind becomes something that just tells you muscles what to do rather than place of thought anymore. You begin to feel for everything and everything starts to come natural to you as if you’ve known it all along. We have our minds so trained and taught on its duties of being the central nervous system that it takes over our free will of letting us live our lives on how we want to live and what it is that we truly want, to go with our gut instincts first AND only. But were so focused on all the other problems that lie around us and we get caught up in that and think “Gee I hope none of that stuff ever happens to me” or “What if that happened to me?” Our mind then become in constant battle with ourselves in trying to think of ways of how to avoid those things when really there should be no thought in anything, it should only be felt and acted upon purely on gut instinct. Being able to totally free yourself from your mind is beyond ability BUT it is not impossible. Everything takes time and small steps, but work at it every day, always believe, never doubt it and just maybe, you’ll achieve total freedom. That is the doorway into greater powers, questions and answers beyond anything we will ever be able to comprehend. Step one. Let go. Let it all, go.

How long do you fight for until you realize its to late, and how long do you wait till late becomes too late. We never really know when to give up because these kinds of inevitabilities are seldom.  And no matter how strong we say we are it still hurts us in the end. But why does it have to hurt us? It hurts us because we were believing in the wrong things the whole time. We started to believe in what our minds told us to believe in, we believed in our minds and not our hearts. And there is your answer to it all right there. If you believe what is in your mind is true, only a mere perception or imagination of whatever that belief may be, it is never true. Its not true because our minds cant feel, they can only think and send out commands. Your heart is the only thing that is true and the only thing that can feel. If you say this isn’t true, then tell me why is it that when your heartbroken you feel it in your chest and not your mind? That when your angry the pressure is never in your mind (at times) but yet again in your chest? When your depressed you don’t feel your mind sink you feel your heart inside your chest sink. Start living your life on impulse from your heart not your mind and if you have to think about that impulse for more than a second and not act on it, its not from your heart. Because an impulse from the heart takes no thought, it knows its right, rather whereas the mind still thinks of the endless possibilities for an outcome. I’ve lost a great deal of people due to acts on impulses from my mind and it still hurts because the people that I lost were ones that could’ve been prevented. When you start listening to your heart and not your mind and trusting in your heart 110%, you’ll never have fear again. You’ll never feel pain again. All you’ll have, is love. And for those thoughts or questions about that certain someone that you like hell maybe even love, listen to and entrust in your heart, it always knows what right.

                See with your eyes and not your mind, for your eyes are the keys and gateway to your heart and soul. I must warn you though, the world that exist beyond our own perceptions is not always beautiful, but when beauty comes around, it is beyond anything you have ever imagined it to be. Although, the same goes for the horrors of this world as well. But do not fear them, for these are the horrors that your mind has created, created to steer you away and shut your eyes and continue to live your life in darkness where fears can never be faced or seen. But they still exist, and even though you can’t see them they can still see you. But there is a way to reverse that, a way to have fear, fear YOU. How do we do that? You stop fearing fear, and the one thing that we fear most is fear itself. Love can overpower anything and that’s why it is so hard to understand. But at the same time when people start to understand love or try to they see it flipped. Love becomes evoL and it makes you take a turn for the worst. You give up on listening to your heart and head straight back to your mind because it tells you that its right. Do not listen to it though, for the love that you have and hold within yourself is the key and solution to fighting off fear. But after all that fear is gone, all that is left over is love and you begin to trust it within you again. But, trusting it in others becomes that much harder for now you can see who a person truly is and see the world without the blanket that’s been covering your eyes for all these years. Don’t ever fear love, because fearing it only makes it evol to your eyes, but no matter what it will always be love.

                Why is it that we worry, why is it that we always stress and fear about our happiness. We all fear of being lonely, that what we have will eventually go away. We always need someone beside us and im not talking about family or a close friend, no, they help but its never enough to us we need more. Someone that we can be passionate about, someone that we can hold in our arms and feel the love both inside and out. We all need that one person that we continuously look for but cant ever seem to really find. Were all just look for the one. Thing is though, is that when we finally find that person it’s the scariest thing in the world because you literally see and feel your world slow down before you. While everything else is still in a blur, you and that significant other are the only ones that are in focus. Picture perfect. And each and every time you think back or actually see them, time will always stop for you two. But there is only one way that all of this can come true for you. You must learn to listen to and follow your heart, it already knows who and what is there and it alone is the only thing that hold the right directions on how to getting there. Stop listening to all those little voices that fill up your head because none of them know what to say. Their always thinking and always talking never listening. Your heart is the only thing that will listen and if you give it a chance, it’ll tell you what you need to hear and it will always be right. It holds the keys and answers to everything but it will only reveal them to you if you actually listen to it. There is a reason why it is the most protected organ in your body because it hold literally holds the key to life. Most will argue that your brain is also protected the same amount and this is true also but it doesn’t hold the key to life, it merely shows a perception and logical though on how life is. Think of it like this. Your brain is the battery in this situation, if it dies all it means it just that the rest of your organs don’t have the direction In to how to function any more they don’t die they just sit there until they are told how to work again. Now. Your heart is the motor, and if IT dies nothing else works; yes you can replace it but it will never be the original and it will never be YOUR heart again. Your mind can back up and store all the memories it wants but your heart was the only thing that could make those memories come alive and feel.

                People these days tend not to listen to anyone not even themselves. They lead themselves in to trouble or situations that could’ve been avoided and its not till after the event has happened that they think back and go “man I fucked up…” But there is always time and room to change, sadly not many realize this. The saying “they had a change of heart” is never true, they only started to just listening to their heart and not the voices that were in their head. The weirdest thing starts to happen when you start listening to your heart, you get a second chance at the things that you wanted the most and the things that you put into your heart and you learn to make things right. You get the life that you’ve always dreamed of and never again do you feel lonely or sad, because you realize, in the end, you’ll always be happy. Say that last part to yourself and actually give it some time to sink in, then say it again and you’ll realize how true those words are. Every bad situation that you’ve ever had seems to just fade away. You never stress or get angry about anything any more because you start to see that most of those things don’t even matter. The only ones that do are the ones that are in your heart and you already  have all those things because you finally started to listen to the one thing that was trying to tell you the right answers the whole time. Stop fearing, stop searching, stop worrying, and start listening. You’ve had the power and the answers all along, you just never gave in the time to listen. Listen to those left unheard because they hold the keys and answers to everything.